A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

There are only two types of people in this world… Those who can’t extrapolate from incomplete data.

What’s good on pizza, but not on dick? Cheese

Why did Anakin kill all the younglings? To get to the other side.

An orchestra one-liner I popped off my g-string while fingering a minor

Facebook is a good reminder that I went to school with idiots.

What did the Ocean say to the Beach? Nothing, it just waved… Prolly my favorite joke of all time, maybe ever.

*Putting ikea furniture together* Her: ummm, it’s supposed to be a dresser Me:* Standing next to a wooden T.Rex* I KNOW WHAT IM DOING, LINDA

What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband before she left her house to board the Challenger space shuttle? “You feed the dogs, and I’ll feed the fish.”

Difference between a 14 year old girl and a Volvo? I don’t have a Volvo BOUND AND GAGGED IN MY BASEMENT