What’s the difference between a dentist and a sadist? Newer magazines.

I hate the term “Hipster” It’s too mainstream

Wife: Where are you going? Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls. Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

What is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a dully dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.

Knock Knock Who’s there ! Carrie ! Carrie who ? Carrie a torch !

What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine’s Day? Let me call you Tweet heart!

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken. She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

why do they even call them tampons?… tamp-ins, ladies. c’mon.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” generally mean the same thing… …except at funerals.

Knock knock. “Who’s there?” “Orange.” “Orange who?” Knock knock. “Who’s there?” “Orange.” “Orange who?” Knock knock. “WHO’S THERE?” “The president.” “Well, why didn’t you just say so?” “I did.”