I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray He’s still alive, but his hair looks amazing.

GUY: are u in the 1% ME: more like the 2% GUY: well that’s still great ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

What brand of car would the Roadrunner be? Jeep Jeep

Why did Sepp Blatter resign from the FIFA president position? He just couldn’t hold it any longer.

My dick is so average… It’s struggling with student loan debt but doesn’t even use it’s degree… Or Can handle about 5-6 beers before it’s totally useless Or Its like the Toyota corolla of dicks

Shit happens ……every morning

So, I was looking around for some vacuum…

What do you call someone with no legs? 30 a week poorer.

I can’t believe it’s almost 2012 & there isn’t a prenatal test to find out if you’re gonna have one of those kids who’s really into magic.

The guest said to the cannibal Your wife makes a great soup. Yes, but I’ll miss her.