I once met a man who was half Irish and half Scottish He needed a drink but he couldn’t afford one.

Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air. Don’t do dope, kids.

Little girl: “Mommy, I want to be a feminist when I grow up.” Mom: “Well pick one sweetie, you can’t do both.”

We need to make music cool again people. If you go home with someone and they have a Justin Bieber CD in their music collection, don’t fcuk them.

I wish I knew before the wedding, That my marriage license had an expiry date.

Donald Trump has a new book coming out The Art of the Feel

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

How do you know that Santa is a man? No woman wears the same attire every year.

What do you call a child who doesn’t believe in Santa? …an eggnogstic

What do you get hanging from apple trees? Sore arms