Good news The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.” The patient said, “Give me the good news.” “They’re going to name a disease after you.”

Life is like a box of chocolates- -There is always that one nasty one otherwise know as your neighbor

What’s the only type of seafood that Sean Connery won’t share? Shelfish

What’s brown and sticky? The remains of an overused punchline

More people die from choking on sweet packaging than they do from the sweets themselves… Gums don’t kill people. Wrappers do.

It seems those Trump supporters… Have some egg on their faces

If you’re ever chased by a police dog …don’t run over a see-saw, crawl through a tunnel or jump through a hoop. They’re trained for that sort of thing

If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “that’s messed up” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help

Why are X-wings so grubby? Rebel scum.

Why do redditors have so many inside jokes? Because we’re too afraid to go outside