My penis is so big if i laid it out on a keyboard It would reach from A to Z

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5 The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

My gf asked if I liked her more than I like chicken, and all I could say was “well I have known chicken longer…”

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

When you grow up it’s like, ok now you can go to bed whenever you want & all you have to trade for it is the ability to ever feel joy again

Me: There’s nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week. Tequila: We’re gonna fight every girl in this bar!

A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage…. The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”

Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?