What concert costs $0.45 50 Cent with Nickelback as the opening act.

I tried to sell Ikea my new range of combat furniture. It wasn’t going well, so I decided to chair the meeting. A couple of minutes later, it was all-out wardrobe.

[flirting w/girl at bar] And that’s why [takes sip from elephant sippy cup] I always use a sippy cup [lid falls off and spills juice on me]

Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous? Hollywood.

Why do German shower heads have 11 holes? Because Jews only have 10 fingers

“We are the 1%!” – People on MySpace

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year Me: lol College: lol ikr?

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers? I’m not sure, but he must have had a loco motive. edit: grammar

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”