My grandpa has the heart of a lion… …and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

So a robot walked into a bar and beat up a man with a bottle… …he was charged with battery. I’m so sorry.

[airport security] *BEEP* Ma’am, step through again *BEEP* Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

What do you get when you cross a Barbie Doll with the Pillsbury Doughboy Some rich know-it-all bitch with a yeast infection

Blow job vs. Mount Everest What does getting a blow job from a 70 year old woman and jumping down from Mount Everest have in common? You don’t dare to look down, but you feel the rush.

Passengers clapping when my plane lands makes me almost wish we had crashed.

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

“Rogue One” idea: The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander. Boldly – regally – he strides into the room. “Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

“Would you like to partake in resistance training?” “No.” “That’s what I like to hear.”

I’m practicing emotional abstinence I haven’t given a fuck in years