Girl are you a school? Because I wanna shoot some kids in you

(Work in progress) I want to have sex with a news reporter. I want to have sex with a news reporter. As soon as enter her, I want to scream “This Just In!”

[interrogation] “How do u kno the deceased?” I was his drug dealer. “Louder for the tape?” [leans in] I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

Boomerangs are Australia’s largest Export. And Import.

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

Why does Donald Trump take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks.

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out the burning ducks.

“What’s a good gift for someone who has everything?” Meth. Next year they’ll have nothing it’ll be easier.

i want to create and sell action figures based around fathers. “father figures”. First edition, “dead beat dad”. BTW it’s just an empty box.