PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little. KID: Okay. PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

For a first date date, my girlfriend wasn’t impressed when I tried to drive over the frozen lake drunk. But, it was an icebreaker.

Why did Mickey Mouse get shot in the foxhole? Because Donald ducked.

I used to be afraid of gardening… …but then I decided to grow a pear.

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

I’m a fighter not a lover I’d rather beat guys off than love them

How do you tell if Lady Gaga is dead? You poker face!

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

Now that I have an adult coloring book, most arguments with my 3 yr old are over fridge space.

Why should optometrists never tell jokes? Because they’re too cornea.