“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body” “Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

Nice try, coworker who offered me coffee. The last thing I want to do at work is be awake.

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries. I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

Mom: You’re a son of a bitch! Son: That makes you a bitch! Mom: You sure? *This is the story of how I found out I was adopted*

I got sick at the airport My doctor said it was terminal

*smels vinyl record* The Continents r ok but they wer way beter befor they split up. do u kno the supergroup Pangaea? its from befor ur time

What cat purrs more than any other ? Purrsians !

Girls are like an internet virus… …they enter your life, scan your pockets, transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smile…

Somebody was trying to break into my house last night, so I rang the police… But Sting said he was busy and suggested I ring the actual police.

Investigating Hillary Clinton is like fishing on Discovery Channel … you catch them, you show them, and you let them go.