Retweeting a compliment is like getting a compliment from someone and then conference calling a bunch of people and telling them about it.

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

What do you call a burial chamber full of Moose? Moosoleum.

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

God: I made the sky a canvas, the sun & the clouds an ever changing painting of colorful beauty. Devil: I made potato chips.

What do you call a Hillary supporter? A journalist.

99% of lawyers … . . . give the rest of us a bad name.

My neighbor just gave us a brand new dining set! I guess he was feeling particularly chairitable today.

Rabbi joke A priest sits down next to a rabbi at a park. He asks, “so what’s the cost of circumcision these days?” To which the rabbi replies,” I wouldn’t know. I just keep the tips!”