My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.” Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

If you ever meet a girl named stone… Don’t take her for granite

The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I’m 100% sure there’s a murderer in my bathroom.

When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet. I just think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Which US state is friendliest toward the Japanese? Ohio

Used parachute for sale. Only used once, never been opened.

Who did the crocodiles call when they found one of their own dead? The investiGATOR

Ladies: If a man approaches you and he’s wearing Crocs, hold perfectly still. Their vision is based off movement.