Need an ark? i Noah guy

A woman drives into a bar.

What do vegetarians masturbate to? Quornography.

[movie theater] *reaches into wife’s purse* *pulls out lasagna* me: Told you it’d work

Do you know what the real letdown about John Glenns death is? It’s the second time that Yuri Gagarin beat him to it.

A man enters the store to buy a dog… … and points at a puppy he likes. “How much for that dog?” “300$” “What about the half?” “I’m sorry, we only sell complete dogs.”

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

The cashier is telling me to “have a nice day,” but judging by her tone she wants me to “die in a tire fire.”

I don’t drink, smoke or swear. Holy shit! I dropped my cigarette into my beer!

Q: How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.