A girl tells her Irish mom she wants to be a prostitute. ‘A WHAT?’ The mother shouts. ‘A prostitute’ replies the girl. ‘OH thank god!! I thought you wanted to become Protestant!

[court] LAWYER: Did u kill him? ME: No L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury? ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner “Haha sweet potatoes?” DON’T “Don’t what?” You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun “I YAM NOT!”

What do you call The Bear who loves philosophy? winnie the Philosopooh

[After 20 min at your house] I used all your toilet paper “Check in the cabine-” All of it “We have more in the gar-” All of it all of it

I wasn’t happy getting A,B and C in my results today. Having three types of Hepatitis is almost unheard of.

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

I’ll never forget my grandfather’s dying words… “AAAAHHHH!”

Toddlers always feel like the floor of a movie theater.