“911, what’s your emergency?” “My kids are being jerks.” “Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.” “Are you gonna send help?” “…”

Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everyone who can run, jump or swim is already in the states.

Relationship status: Sitting in Home Depot parking lot, car hood open, and asking men if they can jump me.

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? Because North Korea’s nukes couldn’t reach him there

Give me a compliment? Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

[caught hiding something in the garbage] gf: are you eating hot wings again? me: no gf: oh really, then touch your eyes me: god damnit

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words? Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.