I just got back from the doctors.. And he said I should stop masturbating. I asked “why?” and he said “because I’m trying to examine you”.

Q: What’s the best way to kill a man? A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

What do you call someone who can’t turn pancakes? A flip-flop.

What does a pound, a dollar and rumble have in common? For a dollar you can get a pound of rubles.

What is the best way to determine if someone is ticklish? Give them a “test tickle.”

Did you hear about the two gay guys that got into a fight at the bar? They went out to the parking lot to exchange blows.

I own an innovative gardening supplies store. We sell cutting-hedge technology.

Twitter action film: MAN 1: Follow me. MAN 2: On Twitter? MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed. MAN 2: On Twitter?

How many deadbeat dads does it take to change a lightbulb? I wouldn’t know, mine’s never around. (Alternately: “Well, he went out to get one…”)

Did you know that being possessed by a ghost increases your body weight? For weight loss, exorcising is recommended.