When I die, my last thought will probably be “Man that falcon looks pissed.”

There’s 3 types of people in the world. The ones that know how to count and the ones that don’t.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

What do you call a parody when the actors are unaware it’s satire? Politics.

My friend told me he wanted to find the electrical resistance of Jesus. I was like “Ohm my God!”

What do Super Mario Brothers, and relationships have in common? Sometimes you have to slay a few dragons before you get to the princess

Group hugs are like…. Group hugs are like a G rated orgy

What do you call a baby born in a whorehouse? A brothel sprout

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer” Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

My name is Jafar. I come from afar. Some place in Quatar. I work at bazaar. I sell snake in a jar. I have bomb in my car. Allu ak bar.