Accidentally shoved a girl I didn’t like to the left in the grocery store thinking I was on Tinder.

Whats so great about banging 26 year olds? There’s 20 of em

Two Bedouins were in the middle of a desert. When one gets something blown into his eye. His companion takes a look at his eye for him and says “Hold still Abdul it might be sand.”

China has recently banned puns. In hindsight it might be a punenforcable law.

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

What do call a prehistoric hooker? Vaginasaurass

“I’m so self-conscious” “I’m a very private person” “I’m the shyest person I know” *posts 43 selfies a week* – girls on Instagram

what do you call chicken shawarma wrapped in a tortilla? A mosqueito.

Beeoligist Is that a bee or a wasp? I don’t know I’m not a Beeoligist.

[harsh] I’m very open-minded, if I have a daughter she can be whatever she wants when she turns 18: stripper, whore, you name it …because by then she’s gotten too old for my tastes anyway.