Today at 8:24 PM it will be 7/16/15 8:24. That is the only time this year such a thing will happen

What do white guys do that lasts hours and makes white women scream? NASCAR

What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.

Whenever I wear shorts it looks like I murdered a fat toddler and stole his pants.

Meat, eggs, and a blow job: which one doesn’t belong? A blow job, because you can beat your eggs, you can beat your meat, but you can’t beat a blow job!

What’s the difference between cider and apple juice? My wife doesn’t let me cum in apple juice 🙁

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD? Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice.

Come here and listen close and carefully, I’m going to slowly explain what condescending means? Go ahead and take notes if needed.