Just modified my GPS for when my kids are in the car. It says “No, we are not there yet!” every 30 seconds.

Ever since I swallowed a watch I’ve been keeping myself busy taking laxitives, eating lots of fruit and drinking prune juice. Anything to pass the time.

Why do people who drink milk struggle to walk? Because they lactose.

what did Putin say to Ukraine? Crimea river.

Friend: your not going to believe this but my whole family was killed in a freak accident! Me: *you’re

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face by taking down the Christmas tree.

What did 50cent say when Eminem made him a sweater for Christmas? ju ju ju ju ju ju G-Unit?

People stuck in an elevator called for help. They were let down.

Why do the French like eating snails? Because they can’t stand fast food!