Flashing my Costco card at the lady at the entrance is the closest I’ll ever get to feeling like I’m on the VIP list at the clubs.

A cannibal came late to the family dinner. He was given the cold shoulder.

Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.

When my wife starts to sing………. When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there’s no domestic violence going on.

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

I am a Art major Leave me a loan

*strums guitar* This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies” Hope you like it.

You should go clone yourself… so you can FUCK yourself!!!!!!!!!

Put the punchline in another post. http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2l881i/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_in_suspense/

What do you call spending time with you family through BDSM? Family bondage time.