What happens when the lights go out in a Chinese restaurant? It’ll Dimsum.

I avoid making eye contact like my loneliness depends on it.

I’m so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted “Why y’all checkin’ me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!”

I woke up with an erection the other day… It worried me because it wasn’t mine

My husband said that he seriously fears for my life every time I go out because I’m the “kind of person people would want to kill.”

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time” ~Management

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime? Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

what do you get when you cross copper and zinc? brass.

Riddle me this, Batman. What do you find in an alley that has holes in it? “M-my parents?” “No! A bowling ball! I’m so sorry…”

Why did Karl Marx hate Earl Grey? Because all proper tea is theft.