I just heard the words “she received an academic scholarship from the university of Alabama.” I never thought I’d hear “academic scholarship”, “university” and “Alabama” in the same sentence.

Why ninja’s are a pornographers nightmare You never see them coming!

I told my friend that she was drawing her eyebrows too high She looked surprised

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

After the tsunamis in Japan a while back, my Japanese girlfriend dumped me. It’s okay though, there were plenty more in the sea.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun? A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.

I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.

[magic school bus] KID: where are we going today MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo KID: but last week we went to SPACE MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

Me: I need to sleep Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

When ever I make Eggs Benedict, I always serve it on a hubcap. Cause there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.