If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I’m ready now.

What do you call a melon with overbearing parents? cantaloupe 😉

what if it doesnt want to be called hot sauce???? what if it wants to be called beautiful sauce

Go fuck yourself. It only takes a few minutes and it feels really good.

My wife gets her news from NPR. I get mine from Twitter. Guess which one of us knew about planking first? Suck it, legitimate media.

Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Stop this woman

A cobbler was once elected the mayor of a small town. People thought he was a real shoe-in.

Here’s a question. If you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife switched phones and Facebook profiles for 24 hrs would you still have a relationship!!!!

What’s the worst thing about alcoholics? They wine too much.