Did ye hear about the movie that the pirate went to see? ‘Twas rated Argggghhhhh!!!!

Q: How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.

Vending machines are so homophobic Like, I’m sorry my dollar bill wasn’t straight enough for you.

Ever see the movie human centipede? That movie sucks ass.

What do you call a smoothie that came out too thick? A chunky. Credit to my dad this morning..

I think I’m gonna become a solipsist, who’s with me? Wait… no one’s with me.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two! But don’t ask me how they got inside there.

A man walks in to a green grocer’s “Excuse me ma’am, are these carrots genetically modified?” “No” interrupted the carrot.

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home….

I watched the African version of “Man v. Food”, but it was just a half-hour of a guy chasing a gazelle.