I heard diarrhea is hereditary… It runs in your jeans. (Ba dum tss)

The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone’s face at Starbucks.

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

Commas make all the difference He was fucking up, until the end. He was fucking, up until the end.

Q: What do men and sperm have in common? A:They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How do blind people know when they’re done wiping?

Not only is my new thesaurus terrible… …but it’s also terrible.

What’s the difference between an erection and Colin Kaepernick? An erection can make it past the semis, and still stand up if you sing for it.

How do farmers party? They turnip the beets!

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They’ll just beat the room for being black.