Saw a chameleon today, so I’m assuming it wasn’t a very good one.

If my liver was a person, it’d be Doris, the 50 year old waitress pouring coffee at the truckstop for 35 years & smoking since she was born.

Why do they call it “Lipstick?…. … When a woman can easily move her lips after she applies it?

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

Why is Harry Potter so popular in prison? Because he catches all the snitches!

Today was a sad day – we had to pull the plug on my granpa cause I needed the outlet for my laptop

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing. LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

Why do Scottish men wear kilts? ‘Cause the sound of a zipper scares the FUCK out of sheep.

Did you hear about the brown paper bag cowboy? He had a brown paper bag hat, brown paper bag boots, a brown paper bag shirt, and a pair of brown paper bag pants. He was arrested. For rustling.

A man gets pulled over… the officer asks the man “Are you drunk right now?” The man behind the wheel says “I swear to drunk I’m not god”