Michelle Obama puts her secret lovers number in her phone under Ben Ghazi knowing that by doing so Barack will never search for the truth

I asked my girlfriend at dinner, “Why are you being so salty?” Her response – with a flat, even look: “I’ve been well seasoned.” I lost it

[commercial] “I’m tired of fruits that taste good.” Narrator: GRAPEFRUIT

Some say I’m a man of many talents. It’s not true… I’m a man of one talent – I’m good at everything. *i’ll see my self out*

My doctor wrote a prescription for dailysex. But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

Trying to make pancakes this morning and it turns out I didn’t get the spatula in the divorce.

why wasn’t jesus born in mexico? couldnt find 3 wise men and a virgin…

If the world was made of LSD, I’d learn to walk on my tongue.

Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.

Marriage is like a trip to the museum… You have to be really quiet and you can’t touch anything.