Whats white on top and black on the bottom? Society.

Nooo shit…me buying too much stuff?! My wife was complaining about the fact that I’m buying too much useless stuff on the internet….. So I sent her back to Thailand.

What is the best part about a prostitute dying in the middle of your session? The next hour is free.

Q:Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A:(‘He wanted cold hard cash!’)

I can see myself going up in the world… The mirror in the elevator is pretty shiny.

[sees kid crying in grocery store] hey little guy [kneels down to his level] Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

What do you call a difficult problem in chemistry? A chemystery.

What’s the heaviest soup in Asia? Wonton soup!

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

Look at the clock at the end of a workday and it’s 4:04 pm. Where did the time go!?