Listen to Mom! Jim: Sometimes I wish I had listened to my mother’s advice. Jon: What did she say? Jim: I dunno. I never listened!

Went to Hollister but nothing fit, plus got lost in there for a week. Came out 30lbs lighter, so went back in to buy a shirt. Well played.

In space, no one can hear you scream. In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

I hate feeling bad about feeling good about feeling bad.

Couldn’t stop farting…so i went to the Doctors I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite

Beyonce: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again? Jay-Z: Coachella. Beyonce: Coachella.

iPhone changed miles to milf’s but the good news is my dad thinks I only have 177 left to go until I’m done.

My girlfriend says I’ve got commitment issues…. Well she’s not really my girlfriend, more of a wife. -Stuart Francis

Why can’t you fool an aborted baby? It wasn’t born yesterday.