Remember, if you gently caress a State Trooper’s cheek they gotta let you go without a ticket.

I think I left popcorn in the microwave too long and now it tastes funny. related: popcorn is my cat’s name.

Why do Pillows work? Cause they’re white

My Asian friend tried being white on his Oculus Rift He said it was a very eye-opening experience

Why do elephants jump across rivers? So they won’t step on the fish.

I always hear voices when I go for a poo. Shitzophrenia.

Fred: Did you hear about the Irish window cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder? Harry: What did the sign say? Fred: Stop.

My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.

A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor asks, “Do you share the same blood group?” The husband replies, “We must by now. She’s been sucking my blood for years.

What’s the difference between a garbanzo and a chickpea? I’ve never had a garbanzo on my face.