For the last time big girls, a smaller dress size doesn’t make you look smaller. Actually, it does the opposite.

How about a superhero whose power is TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS *high-fives Maury audience while Batman storms off*

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

What you call toes that taste like mint? Tic-tac-toe! My 8 year old daughter made this one up.

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved? [me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

What was a positive accomplishments made by the Nazi party? The leader killed Hitler OP: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/3grkqb/what_were_some_positive_accomplishments_made_by/

Non-consensual sex burns more calories than consensual sex.

Christmas: One woman’s lie about a one night stand that got completely out of hand.