JUDGE: That THING cannot enter ME: But Inky is my pet OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him* INKY NOOOOo

What’s the difference between your dick and your money? I can find a lot of girls that’ll blow your money.

i wish you could click “save as” on puppies

Just realized that I’m technically a vegan for the hours between dinner & breakfast. No wonder I feel so fucking superior all the time

Mars: “hello.” Me: “Is your water running.” Mars: “yes.” Me: “WELL YOU BETTER GO CATCH IT!”

Before Chris Brown did a concert with them, they were just known as “The Peas”. And now they are The ……… Peas

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came in fifth and won a toaster.

The orphan sat there, apparently. Get it? A-parently.

A baby seal walks into a bar No, wait. A baby seal walks into a club.

My daughter got her dress caught in the escalator and I had to keep walking so people wouldn’t think she was with me.