What’s the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? I’ve never made a vitamin…

Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I paid for a $0.95 corndog with a dollar!

whats the difference between acne and catholic preists acne doesnt come on a boys face until 13

Taken Single Depends on how drunk I am.

What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man.

[at Red Lobster] WAITRESSES: *run toward me* ME: Red Lobster! WAITRESSES: *stop* ME: Green Lobster! WAITRESSES: *run* MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

Cop: Is that a turtle? Me: … Cop: Painted blue? Me: … Cop: With nails glued on? Me: … Cop: Mario Kart’s not real Me: YOURE NOT REAL

When someone’s all, “Words cannot begin to describe …” I’m all YES THEY CAN YOU HAVE A LIMITED VOCABULARY.

Billion Dollar Idea: Child-Cancelling Headphones

Annoying couples on social media What is an annoying couple’s favorite sport? Bae-sball