There are three kinds of people in this world…. Ones that can count and ones that can’t

I’ve got money left over for condoms or lottery tickets. I’m trying to calculate the odds.

How does a vampire get through life with only one fang? He has to grin and bare it.

What’s a dog’s favorite chip? Ruffles 🙂

[running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today

How do you know when your sister is on her period? Your dad’s dick tastes like blood.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car ? Carlos.

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.