Wife:Did you take ambien last night? Me: *recalls riding a unicorn that’s on fire* No, why? W:The dog’s wearing a saddle and she’s orange.

As an organ donor I wonder if there’s some box I can check that might prevent my organs from keeping Dick Cheney alive?

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some- Wife: YES!

Why did the gamer start working out? He wanted to finally get respecced.

It’s official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M- A-N. 1948. HUGE upset. Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

How do you know if someone is Puerto Rican? They tell you.

Did you hear about the guy that died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn’t close his coffin

I bet hipster zombies just act like regular people.

At the IRS audit IRS: According to your tax return you claim got money for nothin’ & checks for free. Taxpayer: Am I in trouble for that? IRS: We’d say you’re in dire straits.

A man was shot with a starter pistol today… Police are saying it was Race related.