“There’s an iPhone app that scans your face and tells you how ugly you are.You don’t need this. If your phone doesn’t ring at all, you’re ugly.”

What is Trump going to build to detain illegal Mexican immigrants if he becomes President? Juantanamo bay

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

What do you call a smart plumber? A wisecrack.

I went to shake the old man’s hand But Parkinson’s beat me to it

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas? Cancer.

Most populated places in the world: 1. China 2. India 3. United States 4. Indonesia 5. Friend Zone 6. Hell

Why don’t Mexicans take drivers Ed and sex Ed on the same day? They have to give the donkey a break.

I had three girlfriends once and that was the worst recess ever.

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.