How do you check the intonation of a guitar underwater? With a tuna.

Why did Mexico reduce the number of days an American tourist can stay in their country from 180 days to 90 days ? Because after 90 days in Mexico, even they try to enter the US illegally.

How do you get “Dick” from Richard? You ask him politely.

What’s the one knot I can tie with my butt? A noose

How do you call a bucket list created by a 16 year old? A Fuck It list.

I was talking with my girlfriend on Skype the other night… …and she told me this really, really terrible joke. I mean, it wasn’t even remotely funny!

Me: my doctor says if I get annoyed I could die You: so you can’t watch that YouTube link? Me: I’m saying it’s dangerous to even send them

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your coconuts, this ain’t gonna be your average blowjob. As told to me by a passing homeless man yesterday…

I hate it when my dates try to start conversations How on earth do you reply to “mppphhhhh mmmmmhhhh phhhhhmmmm”

If Tom Cruise had an intervention to an addiction… They should call it “Cruise Control.”