I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

“Hey, did you hear about the blonde that lost over 85% of her intelligence?” “No, actually. How’d it happen?” “I dunno, but I hear that it happened at around the same time her husband died.”

The Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Manti’s girlfriend walk into a bar… Rimshot!

Just trimming my nose hair and drinking a soy latte. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

Healthy human blood must be a low-carb meal… Because it’s the most-keto diet.

WIFE: The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie. HUSBAND: Which is this?

What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? Bingo!

I bought a book about addiction I’ve read it 50 times and it still hasn’t helped.

” How was your blind date ? ” ” Terrible ! He showed up in a 1935 Rolls Royce. ” ” What’s so terrible about that ? ” ” He was the original owner ! “

Why did the Louvre tour guide work for pennies? Because this docent makes any cents.