What do comic book collectors use in their hair when they shower? Mint conditioner.

Want to hear the one about potassium? K.

My handwriting has gotten pretty bad… I am the most illegible bachelor in my hometown!

What makes food go bad? [bacteria](/spoiler)

What’s the difference between the charismatics and the nacists? 45

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light DOG DRIVER: it was gray! COP: no, it was gray! DRIVER: gray! COP: *starts barking* DRIVER: *barking*

My love comes with more terms and conditions than iTunes.

Our last fight was my fault.. My wife asked me “whats on the tv?” I said “dust.”

Money can’t buy you happiness. But I’d rather be unhappy in a Bentley.

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.