How to take selfies: Step 1: Take 40 pictures. Step 2: Post the least bad one.

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them: Pick up a kid Unlock a door Load a rolled rug into your trunk

What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor? Wheres my tractor?

Where’s the “It’s Complicated” box to check off on this tax form?

What did Jared Fogle say when his wife told him she wanted kids? *Me too*

I’ve discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out “TWINSIES!”

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

What’s the difference between Bill Cosby and a rap artist art

“Let’s call it a day.” I don’t know what else you’d call it. Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid. “Lets call it a turtle.” See?

That’s the third time in a week I’ve woken myself up by farting. One more complaint and they’re not gonna let me drive this bus anymore.