What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong? Neil Armstrong WALKED on the moon. Michael Jackson fucked little boys.

What did the Chinese vocalist do after smoking some marijuana? He Shanghai.

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

My son asked me to stop singing oasis songs in public… I said maybe.

Man goes to the doctor “Doctor I think my wife is dead.” “What do you mean think! Either she’s dead or she isn’t Well replies the man “The sex is the same but the washing is piling up in the sink”

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

Can we PLEASE… stop beating a dead gorilla.

If you ask Vanilla Ice’s mother about his childhood… she’ll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.

I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.

What do you call a sharp witted man, that knows many languages, and is skilled at giving oral? A cunning linguist.