When Mike got arrested they told him “Anything you say will be held against you.” Mike said “Claudia Schiffer’s breasts.”

Thinking about the first person ever to get drunk. People must have been like, “COME QUICK! JEREMIAH HAS BEEN STRICKEN WITH AWESOME!”

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

I’ve never been carded at a Forever 21.

Me: I’m happy right now. Life: Lol one sec

Hopefully “researching tweets” will hold up in a court of law when the prosecution presents my google search history as evidence.

I met a guy today with a huge tumor… It was tho growth.

4yo: *shoots me with gun* *stuffs gun in my pocket* *runs away* Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide* *keeping an eye on him*

Why I don’t watch science documentaries with my mum. Man on TV: Microwaves travel at the speed of light Mum: Fuck me, that’s impressive. Microwaves are heavy.

You’d think being in a pickle would be a good thing.