Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security? Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

Dear Google Maps, Don’t insult me by telling me to head “southwest”. If I knew where southwest was, I wouldn’t be using you. Kthnxbye

What do you get if you cross a wireless with a hairdresser ? Radio waves !

How many forever alone guys does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he wishes it was two.

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

Two children pieces of graphite are playing with a diamond….. …Mummy piece of graphite walks in and says “Leave your Father alone – he’s been under a lot of pressure”

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

I’m a scientist that’s researching beastiality between humans and dogs You’ll find me in my lab

Sometimes my girlfriend and i like to laugh about how competitive we are. But i laugh more.

When I die, I’d like the word Humble’ to be written. …….on my statue.