“Dammit” or “Damnit” are both acceptable, unless you are over the age of sixty, in which case “Dagnabit” is required.

What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality

Someone had the audacity to delete every version of Microsoft Office from my computer. I have no Words.

What do you call a tree if you don’t know what kind of tree it is? It’s a mystery.

Do you know what a sex stone is? It’s just a fucking rock.

Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common

What’s the first rule of bug ownership? Watch your step!

Dr Seuss Jokes Hello M’lady, how are you today? Let’s go to my place and then we may Play some cards and test our luck But after that let’s go and fu…rnish my bedroom

What do you call a lonely orator? A master debater.

We’d love to offer you the job [My phone buzzes] Congrats on your 250 tweet! ME [leaving]: Lol no thanks I won’t be needing to work anymore