So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

[wife checking on me and the kids] Hello “I called the house, you didn’t answer.” I went out. “Ok. Well how have they been?” How’s who been?

What was Mozart’s first movement? His bowels.

him: [slipping my panties off] why are u wearing 2 pairs of panties me: I’m not him: [sliding another pair off] omg how many are u wearing

A termite walks into a bar… And asks the nearest person “Hey, is the bar tender here?”

I knocked on my neighbour’s door. I said, “Can you keep it down a bit please?” “Why?” he asked. I said, “I just feel a bit uncomfortable talking to you when you are erect.”

Did you guys hear about the 4 car accident in Mexico? …94 people died.

What do you call a confederate that’s bleeding out? A rebel without a gauze

Twitter has lost 90% of my tweets. Great! Now I’ve got nothing to show for the last two years. Nothing.

Pretending to hold the elevator while secretly pressing “close door” is an art.