Don’t judge women by kilos, and you won’t be judged by centimeters.

Whenever I see a car with an “Italia” bumper sticker on it, I always write “Gen” in front of it because I’m an adult.

BBC News: Man is killed by wave. Fuck, how big was the other guy’s hand!?

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

Why is the sport of cricket called cricket? A: **Because it’s boring.** *Was told this by a 10 year old, and didn’t quite get it at first, but I think it’s rather genius.*

Our baby now can clap which I believe qualifies him to be a member of an infomercial audience.

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying, “hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

Kids are like farts. You can just about stand your own.

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “We don’t serve minors here.” So Eb leaves, and C and G have a fifth between them.

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.