mathematician Why do mathematicians only count up to 287? Because if they count one more it would be 2gross to continue.

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face] Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

How much did Harambe drink in the bar? Just a couple of shots

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

Tower: Mission triple-three do you have problems? Pilot: I think I have lost my compass. Tower: Judging the way you are flying you lost the whole instrument panel..

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

I just sneezed while eating a salad and the button popped off my jeans Which proves my theory: nothing good can ever come from eating salad