I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt, and Delete. That way when they fuck up, I can hit them all at once.

The new French tanks have 14 gears 13 go in reverse and 1 goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind.

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?

My wife caught me again on the couch with my iPad & a hand towel while I was putting lotion on my feet with my pants off.

I think it works! GUYS! I just invented time travel!

Why do we let women and children off a sinking ship first? So the sharks aren’t hungry anymore.

A doctor goes to his patient and says “I have some bad news, you have cancer and you have alzheimer’s” Patient replies “Well, at least I don’t have cancer!”

BAD MATH JOKE TIME. For pi day, my friend was selling pies as a fundraiser, so because I love pie, I decided to buy two. I went from 0 to 2. I went absolutely nowhere.

Mattel has a campaign urging girls to pursue their limitless potential. It’s called You Can Be Anything Except A Woman With Barbie’s Body.

A wife is like a hand grenade you take away the ring, and there goes your house